izigame.me

> be me, a big fan of the original Oceanhorn and a lifelong Zelda lover
> hyped for Oceanhorn 2: Knights of the Lost Realm
> start game, expect epic Zelda vibes
> get a third-person view that’s supposed to be immersive
> camera angles worse than me trying to take a selfie in a cramped elevator
> graphics.exe has mixed feelings
> environments are like a cheap date, gorgeous but nothing deep
> character animations as stiff as my neck after binge-gaming
> start noticing the gameplay, oh boy here we go
> first combat, feels like swatting flies with a sledgehammer
> combat isn’t just bad, it’s a repetitive torture method with respawning enemies
> AI companions have the survival instincts of a lemming
> "Helpful" companions keep getting KO’d, also won’t stop nagging
> "You sure should check out the main quest!" x100
> game promises open world exploration
> LOL nope, get railroaded harder than a monopoly enthusiast
> story progresses faster than my last relationship
> enter the bonus trading card game
> nice concept, poor execution
> balanced as a one-legged pirate on a stormy sea
> RNGesus takes the wheel, grinding is my new full-time job
> long cutscenes start playing every few minutes
> feels more like watching a bad movie than playing a game
> overall experience is like expecting a gourmet meal and getting airline food
> disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined
Oceanhorn 2? More like Oceanbore 2.


"Hell Is Forever"
(performed by Alex Brightman & Erika Henningsen) - Hazbin Hotel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMy8W0j-Slw

Okay, I've played through enough, and I've got lots to say,
Feels like you weren't listening to fans along the way.
Here it goes, ahem,
I know the first game had its charm, it was a jewel 💎,
Hoped for more in the sequel, but oh, what a fool 🤡,
Thought we’d get an epic saga, but it’s just not cool 😒,
In Oceanhorn 2, wait, let me collect myself!
Right, anticipation 🌟,
I know devs work hard just to craft games each year,
And it must be tough, but let's make one thing clear,
If this game was better, praise would be sincere! 👏
You could wave bad reviews farewell 👋,
It’d be a happy day in gaming hell 😈—

Let me stop you right there 🖐.

Oh?

Save us all some time ⏳.

Okay.

If what you're suggesting is the game's a climb
Up a ladder, oh, they’d rather play something great 🎮?

Well, um,

Sorry buddy, but let’s not overstate,
‘Cause Oceanhorn 2’s a miss, whether you like it or not 🚫,
Had their chance to impress, now it’s just left to rot 🍂,
‘Cause the game design’s lazy, there's no use in denyin' 🙅,
The potential was there, but it’s just not flyin' 🚀,
It’s a grind through the levels, till we turn it off again 🔚.

Okay, but—

Just try to relax, dude, you’re wasting your breath 😤,
Did I hear you imply that it doesn't deserve death 💀?
Is it winners or just sinners,
‘Cause it’s cut and dry ✂️?

Well actually, if you take a look—

Fair is fair, it's a sigh for a sigh 😔.

And, when all’s said and done (Said and done)
There's the question of fun 🎉,
And for those of us who craved true enchantment,
This sequel’s just a disappointment! 😞
Bow-now-now-nownow, sad trombone, oh no! 🎺
Oh, da-ah-ah now-now-n-now-n-now-n-now-n-nownownow

Oh my god... 😱

Oceanhorn 2, whether you like it or not 👎,
Had their chance to be stellar 🌟,

Where did all the magic go 🎩?

Now it’s just a blot 🖋,
‘Cause the design’s all black and white 🖤🤍,
There's no use in tryin' to fight it,
It’s tedium for your lives until we turn it off again 🔚,

Yeah, Oceanhorn's a bummer and it's meant to drag a lot 😖,
So give up your fond hopes, ‘cause it missed the shot 🔫,
Long as I've got your attention,
I guess I should probably mention,
That we’re skipping on the innovation,
Doubt we’ll fix the next iteration 🔄.

What?

Can't wait a whole cycle to address those little blips,
I know you're just peeved, but we're already on new scripts!

Um, wait, didn't you—
Ugh, why! 😤

Neko Arc's Ultimate Gaming Mayhem
Scene: An explosive, neon-lit gaming bunker filled with iconic gaming memorabilia, chaotic explosions, and plenty of catnip. Neko Arc, outfitted in a tiny gamer headset, is joined by a motley crew of gaming legends—Lara Croft, Jinx, Gaige, Tiny Tina, and Mr. Torgue. They’re all gathered around a huge screen, controllers in hand.
Neko Arc: (cackling wildly) Welcome to the ultimate gaming showdown, with your host, the most chaotic feline fiend, Neko Arc! And today, I’ve dragged some of my favorite chaos connoisseurs into the fray! Say hello to chaos!

Lara Croft: (smirking) Ready for adventure, Neko?
Jinx: (twirling a massive fake rocket) Let’s blow stuff up!
Gaige: And my robot’s ready to crash some codes!
Tiny Tina: (throwing confetti) It’s raining chaos, baby!
Mr. Torgue: (yelling) EXPLOSIONS?!
Neko Arc: First up, these absolutely paw-ful camera angles! Even Lara wouldn't be able to navigate this tomb!
Lara Croft: (pretends to look through binoculars) Can’t find the right angle if it was marked on a map!

Neko Arc: And behold, the combat! More repetitive than Jinx’s playlist during a firefight!
Jinx: (laughs) Hey! At least my tunes have a bang!

Gaige: And these AI companions... my Deathtrap would do a better job on sleep mode!
Neko Arc: They go down faster than Mr. Torgue’s reputation at a weapons convention!
Mr. Torgue: THAT'S BECAUSE I BRING THE BOOM! (slams fist, causing a minor explosion)

Tiny Tina: And what’s with all these cutscenes? I thought we were here to play, not to nap!
Neko Arc: It’s a cutscene calamity! (mimics snoring)

Neko Arc: Promised freedom, but it’s a lie! They hook you with the main quest like Gaige’s robot on a rampage!
Gaige: Can’t break free from that programming!
Neko Arc: And don’t get me started on the trading card game! RNG chaos at its finest!
Tiny Tina: It’s like playing BombSweeper with actual bombs!
Neko Arc: (throws cards in the air) All luck, no skill!

Neko Arc: So, what’s the verdict, crew?
Lara Croft: It’s a wild ride, but I’ll stick to raiding tombs.
Jinx: Needs more boom!
Gaige: And maybe a software update or two.
Tiny Tina: More explosions next time, please!
Mr. Torgue: NOT ENOUGH EXPLOSIONS!
Neko Arc: (jumps into a pile of plushies) Oceanhorn 2 might not be purr-fect, but it sure brought us together for some epic fails and LOLs!


In hopeful waves, our dreams set sail, 🌊
For Oceanhorn, a promising tale. 🌟
Yet on these shores where visions roam,
The sequel stirred a somber tone. 😔
With eager hearts, we dove beneath, 💖
Seeking treasures wrapped in wreath. 🏆
But found instead a journey frayed,
A canvas dull, in shadow swayed. 🌑
Battles once fierce, now merely repeat,
Echoes of glory, incomplete. 🔁
Companions falter, faint and meek,
Their voices shrill, their actions bleak. 😩
Freedom promised, yet paths constrict,
Main quests demand, side tracks evict. 🚫
Expansive worlds, yet barred gates,
A story rushed, that seldom waits. ⏳
We mourn what might have been,
A legend lost to hurried sin. 🕊️
In depths of gaming seas, confined,
Oceanhorn’s dream, left behind